allison elaine writes

How Good Intentions Can Undermine Growth

I was about ten years into working in the helping profession at the time. I was working at a domestic violence shelter serving individuals who had experienced trafficking and domestic abuse. It was a 24-hour crisis shelter, and the work was intense, sacred, and heavy all at once.

At that point, there was rising tension within the organization. Leadership dysfunction had begun to seep into every layer of the workplace. You could feel it among the staff — frustration, exhaustion, disconnection. And unfortunately, that dysfunction didn’t stay contained. It had a very real impact on the clients we were serving.

Many mornings when I arrived for my shift, I would immediately find myself de-escalating emotional crises with one or two clients before I even set my bag down. Trauma doesn’t pause for staffing issues, and the clients felt the instability even if they couldn’t name it — layered onto lives they were already trying to piece back together.

One particular day, we gathered for an all-staff meeting to discuss multiple clients and their needs. As we worked our way through the agenda, we came to a specific client.

That’s when another case manager spoke up.

She turned toward me and asked,
“Did you ever make the housing calls for her?”

The tone wasn’t collaborative — it was corrective, as if the question itself was meant to expose a failure.

By that point in my career, it was immediately clear that she and I were approaching this client from very different perspectives.

I responded calmly.

“She has spent years being told that she can’t do things — years being controlled by her abuser. Why would I do for her what she is capable of doing herself? I want her to learn that she can take action. That she is capable.”

I went on to explain that I had offered to sit with her while she made the calls, to support her through the process, and that I had been encouraging forward progress in our weekly meetings.

There was no response.

The meeting simply moved on.

But for me, that moment landed deeply. It marked something significant in my career.
In the silence, it became clear that we weren’t just disagreeing on a task — we were operating from fundamentally different beliefs about what helps people heal.

I realized that because of both my professional experience and my personal journey, I was offering something different than some of the other service providers. I wasn’t just focused on task completion or checking boxes. I was deeply committed to helping individuals rediscover their own capacity — the belief that they could think, decide, act, and move forward on their own.

That belief is not passive. It is a powerful tool for growth.

For survivors of abuse, empowerment doesn’t come from being rescued again. It comes from rebuilding confidence, autonomy, and agency — skills required for life beyond crisis.

Sometimes, what looks like help is actually hindering growth.

Sometimes, the most loving thing we can do is not to step in and take over, but to walk alongside someone as they learn to stand again.

A Challenge for Us All

Here’s the challenge I want to leave you with:

Where in your life — or in your work — might you be doing for others what they are capable of doing themselves?

Not because you’re unkind, but because it feels faster, cleaner, or more comfortable — and perhaps because it protects your sense of control more than it serves their long-term growth.

And on the other side of that, where might God be inviting you to step into your own capacity, instead of waiting for someone else to do it for you?

Growth often happens in the space where support and responsibility meet. That space can feel uncomfortable — but it’s also where confidence is built, dignity is restored, and lasting change begins.